reality check at remedy farm

Today is a sad day on the mountain, a day where i’m having to face the reality of my life and my limits. I just sent off an email to the llama rescue folks here in new mexico with the hope that i might surrender my girls to them.
What brought this on is a new development in the plan to have my good friend move here this summer with her 2 children. I’ve been hanging on this potential change in my life like a life preserver...see, i’ve been up here on my own for 4 years and quite frankly i don’t think i can do it much longer. But now there is a chance she may not come...i won’t bore you with the details....but this chance looms large in my world because i have to think seriously about what it is i will do with myself and my herd of various critters in the event i would have to face another winter on my own here...or possibly sell the place! blasphemous, i know, but its on the table.
So as not to feel powerless in the face of my friends uncertainty its important that i live my life as though she’s not coming.....and if she’s not coming the first order of business is to downsize the herd of critters.
i’m cryin’ some...to say the least. I get so damn attached to everybody.
but the llamas are first to go since they aren’t that attached to me. If they get out...say i leave the gate open for 5 minutes on accident...they’re outta here. In the past they’ve gone 5, 6 miles down to the paved highway. Not sure where they’re off to but ...christ.
the sheep on the other hand think i am the sun...its great, sometimes a bit annoying even, but at least i don't have to worry about them just up and leaving.
Also, quite honestly, my older llama is a bitch....seriously. She will spit, bite, thrash, you name it...its just not worth trying to handle her. She spits at the sheep, the cats, the dogs....sometimes if she’s bored she’ll chase the sheep around and scare the hell out of them....its no good. Many the llama person has told me that its likely she was abused. its very out of character for a llama. Her daughter on the other hand is a sweetheart, i trained her myself....good cop bad cop eh?
Someone with more time and patience could probably bring her around...but not me.

So wish me luck while i await the rescue folks’ reply ok?

checking in

nothin' much happening here thats worth writing about but i feel compelled to say SOMETHING...just because
.mmmmm....worlds a right mess, my back is killin' me and it reached 70 today....wow...'round mid day the sheep retreat to the dark cool barn....shearing time is almost here!
I've been carefully getting back into my fiber stuff...lungs willing.
skirted my new fleeces....basically removing all the butt and neck fiber and anything with too much hay or poop. I've spun some...wearing some serious respirator gear while i'm at it. I spin my wool "in the grease" meaning right off the animal....some folks wash their fleeces first....i wash mine after its spun, then hang it dry.
and heres me, lookin' like an 80's andro flannel dyke...lol....those are my skeins in the background.

life right now

is really fucking windy.
but
yesterday was a kind day.
i've still a bit of a cough but i get quiet periods...esp. when i’m good and drink my most disgusting tea of horehound, mullein and osha. Plenty of it growing already on the land so my remedy is right outside.
but anyway yesterday was little wind, lots of sunshine.
after a day of chores and cleaning up wind debris and cleaning out ditches and all that boring stuff I allowed my self to spend a bit of energy preparing one of the garden beds for spring planting.....i’m thinking leeks will go here...maybe a bit of something else...carrots?
I love leeks and carrots stir fried together till they’re soft and sweet.

Today I went and bought a couple of fleeces from my sheep yoda. She'a a great reality check for me in some ways.. 72 years old and shears all 30 some sheep on her own, struggling to get by on not much at all. She showed me her new lambs....oh my god.....i wish wish i'd had the camera with me. A sea of little shiny ringlets of wool in all different colors, the softest high pitched “baaa” and hugest ears. they were all about a month old.
I want lambs...i’ve got lamb fever.
dangerous.

animal appreciation day

At the end of a nice day getting chores done outdoors its nice to take the last bit of sunshine and just stand /sit around and think or just listen to all thats goin' on.
I've been quite ill with something seriously not right with my lungs...but am slowly getting better and its so so great to be outside, warm and BREATHING.
Some of these photos are what i took while i enjoyed some loafing around time, and i had to include one from this last snow storm...12"!

I can't resist the little ones next door so i feed them older hay that the sheep and llamas have deemed unworthy.

The pool at the bottom of the garden.

eva y pancake

i love the snow masks on the sheep.


Diosa is the black sheep closest to me, the white spot on her head is a Churro trait...its called "mano de dios"- the hand of god.

Cell phones....I've never liked them.

One of the things i love about where i live is that it is cell phone tower free, no reception at all....its great. I'm anti-cell phone to the point where if i'm cruisin' some hottie queer in town and they pull out a cell phone....i'm way less interested (well, ok...it depends...jeez). Reasons till today had mostly been about the radiation flying all over the place (safest place to be is directly beneath a tower) not to mention the concetrated radiation folks are putting up against their heads. They also make for horrible drivers and general social rudeness...like, how many times have you been in the middle of a live, in person conversation with someone only to have it abruptly interrupted by a cell phone call. People are trained like dogs when these things ring.
Then theres the coltan thats mined in places like the Congo, with slave/child labor and much environmental destruction. coltan is used to coat the components of cell phones, as well as laptops and playstations.

But today theres a new,perhaps even more compelling theory to support ridding ourselves of these stupid phones.....this is from democracy now:

"Scientists: Cell Phones Could Be Cause of Missing Bees
In science news, more theories are emerging on what is causing the disappearances of bees across the country and in Europe. As much as 70 percent of the commercial bee population on the East Coast have gone missing. The Independent newspaper of London reports that some scientists believe that cell phones might be causing the problem. The theory is that radiation from mobile phones interferes with bees" navigation systems, preventing the famously homeloving species from finding their way back to their hives. A limited study at Landau University has found that bees refuse to return to their hives when mobile phones are placed nearby. The disappearance of the bees could cause massive food shortages because most of the world's crops depend on pollination by bees.
Albert Einstein once said that if the bees disappeared, "man would have only four years of life left"."

food for thought you modern techno, consumer convenience addicted first world humans out there. can you eat your cell phone?
nope.

alas....

just like Rosie
i've had to resort to moderating the comments y'all leave on this here little blog....sigh. being harrassed with someones passive aggressive and hurtful opinions is really the last thing i need...talk about triggering ptsd.
While this blog is public, its still mine all mine....my own little world to share....and unlike the real world out there, this one i can protect from harm.
much love and hope y'all.

not shocked.

I watched king bush on television pretending to actually give a crap about human suffering
offering condolences to the families of the victims of the shootings at virginia tech.
As he turned to leave the room all i could think is
there he goes...on his way to enforce foreign and economic policies that ensure
the deaths of many more than this on a daily basis

violence is how we’ve learned to resolve things.
might makes right makes
a de-evolution of humanity
seem normal.

It does not shock me that some ass with ammunition heavy pockets
decided go into a public place and take out as many as he could.
This happens everyday in places like iraq or darfur or haiti or afghanistan.
Just not everyday in the empire.

The trauma in virginia ripples outward and overlaps
clashes then merges with the trauma from all the other slaughters
this days sun has shown light to
the planet
can't breath beneath the weight of all that spent artillery
so she's gonna take us down with her
heaving for air
hold on theres a tidal surge headed our way
this we know
Not even the walls of privilege can withstand the flow
violence breaches any green zone
as kings turn to leave with their ammunition heavy plans
lets hold on to whats truly human
seems theres less with every sunrise
or its just harder to find
beneath the clattering weight of spent artillery.

ok....i have to do it

this photo has been burning a hole in my desk drawer for what seems like forever. I feel compelled to share it. Why? I'm not sure.....its horrifically embarrassing so maybe its some sort of therapy for me....
I am 12 in this photo....my friend and i are in saratoga new york for the pre-teen new york beauty pageant. I had won the title of pre-teen syracuse n.y. in order to get to this level.
makes me think of this 12 yr old i lived with in a very crowded anarchist/communal household in portland oregon back when i was 22 or so....she had written an essay for school about class war and capitalism called "don't be fooled".Very smart kid.
amazing the different directions a childhood can take.
thats a feathered roach clip hooked to my belt...sigh.

a foot of snow and nowhere to go (lost and found#3)

i feel like my endless photos of shocking amounts of seasonal or off season snowfall are getting redundant at this point.
so i'm gonna get back to posting some poetry stuff that i'm reworking and such.
now, i'm a bit worried that if i post too many old poems that when the book comes out y'all won't buy one cuz you've seen em' anyway.....i'm joking....kinda.

this ones maybe a couple years old or so. I've performed it many times...comes out so differently on stage than in print. comes alive.


stark mending


I starved myself and threw up my food
for 5 years of my youth
Now
an adolescent brain doesn’t make this shit up on its own
a child
doesn’t think
“hey! I’ll just starve my poor ass into something more sellable!”
a child
just mimics what its told
fills the mold
it’s a mans world
I was
prompted
urged
coerced
seduced
forced
feeding on some dexatrim induced notion that excess was grotesque
I mean the soft give of earthy flesh
was grotesque
a young body just trying to grow
needing food and home
my hair began to fall out
die off
in huge patches of stark space
horrified
at 16 I wore wigs
to cover the life lost
to hunger pushing harder
thru the heavy doors
of emergency rooms
dehydrated delirious
they drained a blood filled sore in my throat
a pint of blood must have come from my throat
acid
washed over teeth again and again
this false start acid of digested assimilation
teasing the bile from my gut
I
was a broken girl
broken in for a good ride
broken up
broke
just a mess
I danced thru it all from 3 years old
onward mirrors of mothers support
staged
and always staring
always staring
at my reflection
I
was a broken girl
now
I’m the strongest kind of broken human
and I marvel at every plate of food I have the privilege
of digesting
every night I sleep a blessing
every hair on my head a tree in the forests
of time passing
flesh
is folds of earthy earthy excess
a history that gives beneath the weight
of coherent peace and quiet
of stillness
under construction
licking wounds no one sees
licking wounds
no one sees
the strongest kind of broken wounded
mending.

the dentist

i had put it off as long as i could...it had to happen. and it was every bit has hellacious as i thought it would be if not worse. not just in terms of the lingering pain in my jaw and the fact that i had to suck scrambled eggs off my plate last nite since i couldn't open my mouth, but also because as a person living with environmental illness I'll be sick/recovering for days to come. the dentists office is probably one the more toxic places i ever venture into...that and hospitals, which i avoid like the plague unless my life is in danger. actually, most offices or public buildings are pretty bad. often those of us with e.i. get referred to as "canaries in the coal mine"...and i'll tell ya this little bird drops like a brick after a dentist appt.
only thing keeps me from running in terror when first confronted with the smell of the office is the fact that i need my teeth.

and then ofcourse there are all the lovely chemicals they fill my mouth/body with...i love that epoxy type taste that trickles down my throat while i've got a zillion different implements in my helpless mouth.

i was there for hours.

i don't remember driving home....times like this is when i really wish new mexico had a better personal assistant program for rural people with disabilities. I shouldn't have been driving.
then when i returned back home to my one woman farm some adrenaline induced survival mechanism kicks in and i'm scurrying around chopping wood,starting the fire, feeding animals and putting water on for a bath so i can get all the smells off of me. its like i'm on speed, my ribs are shaking...racing with the novacains life expectancy since i know that once the pain sets in i'm going to fall apart and stay apart for quite sometime.

Sometimes when i'm sick from exposures, and weepy and weak, i like to call my dogs to me and just love them love them feel their fur and muscley ribs bury my face in their coats and inhale the smell of mountains and dirt and earthy animal.

small things ground me, the sheep running to me from the high pasture, the lives of animals....

april morning

the mountains won't get out of bed

we've been blanketed with a thick fog all day,i can feel little droplets on my face as i move around outside. these days are a treat in that its a bit of refuge from the new mexican wide open sky and high mountain sun. a sleepy day really.

and the mountains i haven't seen since yesterday....odds are good that when this cloudbank lifts the moutain tops above me will have a fresh dusting of snow. may even wake up with some here if it stays through the nite.

high drama meme

ok ok...i've been tagged by my favorite Rosie

What are five things that give you physical pleasure?

1) righteous, liberating hot sex ofcourse....
2)much needed body work...this can easily surpass #1 in importance.
3)dark dark darkest organic chocolate.
4)a still sunny day on the mountain.
5) my cat pancake working her bread making magic on my belly.


What are five things that make you immediately angry?

1)the bush administration.
2)people that don't think disability access is any kind of important issue
3)People that actually purchase a hummer.
4)empire
5)human, animal, planet abuse.

What are five things that make you automatically happy?

1)My animals.
2)good food from my own garden.
3)any sign that humans might just be getting our shit together in time to save ourselves, live in capitalist free peace, and not destroy the ecosystem.
4)the sun or moon rise.
5)hearing someone rock some seriously awesome spoken word....yeah.

What are five things that make you automatically sad?
1)the death toll and lasting trauma of war
2)when friends die from addiction or suicide fostered by poverty or lack of community.(this has happened numerous times)
3) starving animals
4)loniness
5)i'm a sucker for a well made sad sad movie.



I'm tagging jacket!!!!