Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Home is where the Dead are

Homesickness...i’ve got it bad. Started when i got the news that my uncle david died this past weekend. I feel very far away from my mother and the whole stupid funeral process and the sudden smack you in the head reality that is death that everyone there is dealing with....that i’m here dealing with on my own.
I’ve told folks that when i die i want to be buried here on the land....and none of that formaldehyde coffin crap.....just dig that big ol’ hole and put me in it....fetal position....covered in dirt. Back up in the woods next to where my wolf-dog lupa was left dead and eaten by a mountain lion.
But when i get to yearnin’ for home i start to wonder.....maybe burn me and scatter me here and also back in new york. Over mendon ponds...esp. the devils bathtub, and the most magical Mt. Hope cemetery.
My mothers side of my family, both Ambrose and Fink , have been in the rochester and finger lakes area since the 1880’s. I’m some adventurous and stubborn queer sheep way out here in the high desert on my own.

Sometimes i weep from the desire to be lost in the humid green of swampland, to swim in the mid-summer ponds where the plant life reaches up from the bottom to brush my legs as i swim, the chorus of crickets at night, the familiar rhythm of the rolling hills between long slender lakes....
damn....i’ve got it bad.
So i say my goodbyes to David Ambrose from afar....
I forgot to ask my mother where they’ll bury him. Possibly at Mt. Hope near my uncle Paul.


BBC said...

All the family members I cared about are already dead. I lost my two sisters in the last few years also.

At my age I'm losing good friends now.

It's okay, they are in a better place now.

I want to be tossed on a big pile of driftwood at low tide and cremated while people party on the beach talking about what a weird but lovable fuck I was.

Well, those that think I'm lovable anyway.

But as you know, the laws won't allow that because the funeral industry can't make any money that way.

Maybe I'll just take care of it myself. :-)

Jbeeky said...

Gorgeous pictures. Makes me homesick for your home!

Hayden said...

sorry to hear. death is the hardest of all losses. Have never worried much about my own, it's the others. All of my immediate family gone, now. One niece and nephew 3000 miles away, and the rest - whoever is still on this planet - scattered to the winds.

BBC said...

Actually, death and grieving is an interesting subject. You may not grieve if a family member dies, yet grieve if a friend or co worker dies. Or if an animal dies.

I don't judge people by their grieving or lack of it.

I do note that sudden unexpected death often hits a person harder. If you know it is coming it gives you time to prepare for it.

I think my death will be the next most interesting I do and I'm looking forward to it and writing about it.

Rosie said...

So sorry to hear about Uncle David. It is really hard when you are away from everyone during a loss.

You are in a very different place than where you grew up...just the geology and environment is so different. I'd be surpised if you didn't miss it. When I lived on the west coast and in Dallas, I always felt so exposed. The sky was so much bigger and I missed the trees so much. I feel more at home here, though I do miss the salt air and the marshes. I miss crabbing and shrimping and stuff like that.

I don't miss the 9 months at 95+ degrees in 90% humidity. It's humid here, but not that hot.

BBC said...

You know, I don't think that I have ever been homesick.

Home has always been where I'm at. No blood family members here, but I have good extended family.