Saturday, November 1, 2008

whittled down

sometimes life just pushes you towards something.
yesterday was a ridiculous day.

i woke up to an email saying that the vegas house had another interested buyer that was willing to outbid and pay full cash.

i can't compete with that...so i had a bath and a freak out then made one, last, definitely pushing my economic ability offer on the place.

all w/ the owl hoo-hooing outside my window.

pretty convinced i was out of the running i got on with my day, which was out of control...by the way....really strange....and later to my surprise was an email saying they accepted the offer....so then in the midst of freakin out about that...elated , scared, elated , scared....i got some news that i can't share since its not about me but it was the kind of news that tipped my shakey scales...towards new york.

suddenly, with the seller of the house out there somewhere thinking she had sold it, i felt this enourmous pressure to hurry the fuck up and make a gigantic decision...asap.
in that mind boggling period of a few hours it was funny how everything became ridiculously significant.
i called everyone i could think of for advice. i read my tarot cards. i flipped coins. you name it.

so at the end of the day yesterday i let the vegas house go. i turned them down.

and while i have fleeting moments of "what in hell are you thinking...who do you think you are turning down a house you could actually own in a town you actually like..."
i'm feeling okay about it....frazzled but okay.the house needed so much work. didn't even have plumbing or electric yet...or interior walls...or insulation...or heat. so it was a gigantic undertaking all on my ownsome.
and frankly, i've done the whole -fix up the old adobe as best i can and live in it basically unfinished because i ran out of money- thing.

at this point i'm going to get on with the gigantic task...made up of trazillion little tasks....of moving across the country.i've got about 5 or 6 months to figure it out.

of course, anything could happen between now and then. but i feel an eerie calm without the inner chatter that comes w/ indecision.

i've been trying to dig up any info i can on disability stuff in the rochester area. theres a center for disability rights, the deaf queer resource center, an adapt chapter and an independent living center.thats what i've found so far anyway, which is great and certainly more than whats around here, but is generally kind of standard stuff. i have yet to find the "hot queer crips for the revolution in rochester ny" website...dream on.

and hey, i have tons of stuff to sell....anyone interested in a small solar power system? or an 81 mercedes wagon w/ a single tank veggie oil conversion?....theres so much more...when i have a list, i'll post it.

5 comments:

Just 4 Ewe said...

What is the worst possible thing that can happen either way????? If you don't go to NY you will always wonder about it....just do it and if you hate it, you have an option to move back...but you tried it. Change is good, sometimes it's hard but it can be good and you tried.....

erin ambrose said...

one good thing about deciding to go to new york is that i'll have made the damn decision so i can get on with writing about other things and you all won't have to her about my indecisiveness anymore...i feel the tension people!

and yes...keep trying for your ssi...you deserve it. the brain imagery trick was the big thing back then in 2000...you might poke around and see what e.i. doctors might be onto at this point. tangible medical evidence is the key really. good luck!!!!

Goat Yoda said...

When you schlep this way, and need an overnight place to stay, you are welcome here. It's a straight shot up I-81 to NY from where I live, and about a half hour from where rosie lives too. And I know a farm up there in NY with very healthy Jacob's sheep.

erin ambrose said...

oh no.... i've always wanted jacob sheep. amazing fleece...gorgeous animals. they are te only other 4 horns beside churro....sigh. and thank you so much for the invite...and hey maybe i could finally meet rosie too!

Jbeeky said...

I am glad you made the decision. I can only imagine the relief, only to be hounded by the knowledge you are moving! I love reading your blog no matter what you write about, Erin.