Thursday, October 23, 2008

decision making...ugh

ok...i know i'm a broken record...but lets pretend for moment that i can get a house wherever i want....that the economics isn't so much the issue. just pretend ok? i feel i really relly need to decide if i'm going to go live in las vegas or pick up my life and go back to new york. they require very different things...things that i need to get going with soon. so .....


vegas is easier, i'm here already,i know the town pretty well. its an easy move for me and my animals, including the chickens which i could keep. i could also keep my old mercedes and not have to deal with getting a better car to drive across the country in. the sun shines all the time here. i don't have to sell everything i own to make a gigantic trip. theres hot springs up the road in the mountains . theres one funky little open mic at a cafe on the plaza every other week. the weaving co-op, tapetes de lana is there so i could make a little money. its 60 miles to santa fe.

all sounds rather logical , no?

ahhhh...but i worry that if i decide on las vegas i will be haunted by the desire to go home.

that sort of move requires a chunk of money. i can't imagine when i'll ever again have the resources to make a move like that.

but the flip side is what if i make this huge leap to new york and once the dust settles i'm reminded of all the reasons i left. the sun is rarely out. the winters are nasty cold. its industrial and crowded.

but my family is there, my history is there...and indian food...and mendon ponds...and water....real live queer people.

all of this internal debate is of course tainted by the recession...its hard not to feel like whatever choice i make that uses up this dwindling lump of cash will be kind of final. i don't feel i can tell myself " i'll just find an owner financed house in vegas, live there for spell and then sell the house and head home if i still feel the need."

the -sell the house- factor is highly questionable.

same goes for thinking i could head to new york, find a cheap owner financed house in the city and if i don't like it i'll SELL THE HOUSE and move.

everything feels so grim, like wherever i land is basically where i'll be riding out the fall of the empire and the changing of the suns so i better make a good head hurts.


Anonymous said...

Simple...YOU CAN'T GO HOME's an axiom of life.......

erin ambrose said...

awww now see...that just makes want to do it.

Mallow said...

From what I've read of your blog in past posts you often feel really isolated in New Mex. Would you feel isolated if you went back to NY?

You could make money weaving in NY as well as NM, couldn't you? Why not rent in an agricultural area in NY, this way you could keep a sheep or two & some chickens, because it's obvious your animal friends mean a lot to you.

Jbeeky said...

Hee hee, I love you Erin! Exactly!