Thursday, October 9, 2008

the aftermath

is not pretty.
you'd think someone died! i'm doing a bit better each day...a little less sobbing, still some weeping...esp. in the morning when i first wake up.
its like a part of me is missing.
its esp. hard when i go out to feed the horses...theres no wooly bodies extending from mine. no little hooves clammering across the bridge, running up behind me out in in front of me, jumping and butting heads in play.

its so empty. quiet.

i can't reach down and casually touch their wool as they pass me, get that earthy greasy smell on my hands.

i'm avoiding the now empty pen as best i can...if i go in there i just start crying some more and honestly crying is hurting at this point....hurts my stomach and neck muscles. i'm so drained.

i had no idea it would be this hard. i underestimated how much of me was connected to them.

hard right now esp. since i don't have an exact destination yet. it would feel different if after their new owners drove off into te sunset with them i could have turned around and said "ok! time to pack and move into my new home and start my new life"...but i'm still here, right next to that damn empty pen, trying to figure out what the hell i should/can do given my means and abilities.

oh my sheep....i miss my sheep.

i'm scraping myself together. i'll get there, wherever that is. i get so attached to things...people, animals, houses, routines, rhythms...its my inner only child....transient, welfare-class , single parent only child.

i get attached...i can't help it.


Jbeeky said...

Just coming by to see how you are doing and tell you how sorry I am you are feeling this down. I am thinking of you, Erin. Do you mind if I send you some Reiki?

erin ambrose said...

hey! reiki away darlin'. I'm doind much better except for in the early morning when i think i hear them and then have to relive the whole thing again. just waking up is a strange, vulnerable time isn't it?