Sunday, August 5, 2007

movement

today i started the process.
i began putting tools in tool boxs and milk crates,gathering plant pots and plastic sheeting from the garden,making piles of categorized objects, gathering trash into the truck to be taken to the dump....
i don't think i was allowing myself to begin this process till the women buying the place actually came, saw the place, and were real in front of my eyes all full of their excitement and love for the land and house.

so it begins....moving. something i've done like 36 times in my 36 years.
seriously.
but i haven't had to do this for 4 an a half years.
this mountain my oasis of standing still.
same sunrise every morning.
gave me this.

but something this last cold cold winter snapped inside said enough.
enough hungry from suckling on open space quiet on your own.
i'm full of open space quiet. thats all.
my oxygen tank to carry with me.
i've got air
but no food.
i needed air more than anything else.

now i need food and human sweat and spit
beside my own worn frame and stringy muscles
laughter ringing in my ears more than wind snapped me
in 2 this winter.

something in me let go today.
dark movements deep within.
i'm boiling water to clean my altar and the stuffed animals i've had since i was born. they're covered in 4 year dust.
waiting on a shelf.

so i begin to gather and sort and pack of discard for the 37th time.
i should be able to do this with my eyes shut and dreaming.

3 comments:

jackadandy said...

Erin, I don't know what to say except, I hear you. Your mom is right, you do have a right to at least try to have it (food, shelter, community) for yourself, it's not too much to ask.

I feel your courage and perseverence in a way I can't describe. If it makes any difference, I'm 16, 17 years older than you and still haven't settled within myself some of these questions about what we have a "right" to; no matter how much bluster I profess, I always feel I could lose everything at any moment.

But I will say that I have somehow gotten myself my little home and my 5 acres of peace and quiet (with no debt) and food on the table and a way to get it. I managed that. I hope you will be able to, too. What came with this "achievement" was a need to defend it, all the time, from encroaching development and from globalization that is whittling my paycheck down to nothing and from climate change that has made the summer too much bear. So you see, there is no final security or relief or answer. One struggles, always. For me, the art is the reason to continue.

I'm wishing good fortune for you with this latest move. I congratulate you on taking a step you clearly needed to, whatever the future brings.

Jbeeky said...

Erin,
You have a right to these things. I can only pray and send energy your way for the life you deserve.

erin ambrose said...

thanks so much for all your heart felt comments. constructive input of any kind is so damn helpful in my state of mind....no sooner did i write these 2 posts when a potential problem arose around the succesful sale of my land. theres a good chance it will work itself out but now theres exists that slightest chance it won't...which is very very very confusing for me....to say the least. we shall see....eh?

much hope to all.