all over the map

seems i'm either really focused on the bad parts of living here so that leaving makes sense or i'm eerily numb to it all and just going about my day as though i haven't sold my home and everything will be just like this forever... or i cry....like the past couple of days....
coming back from my neighbors place thats up the valley a bit farther towards luna canyon i was stunned at the beauty. the forever views all the way down the mora valley, the many layered peaks of the mountains fading to lighter and lighter blue in the distance. the magic of the high country hit me....i'm leaving this. then yesterday i spent some time at my mechanics place with his lovely kids, chatting with him about this and that, then another stunning drive back to mora where everywhere i went i saw folks i know, everyone asking when i'm leaving and that they will miss me.the ease of knowing the terrain, the people, the curves in the road. how everyone waves as they drive by.

and i have to remind myself of why why why i've done this. which is barely a consolation. i say, erin, you wouldn't have any hay, or groceries or firewood or good shoes on your feet....wouldn't be able to go home in spring to see my family....and on and on......

yersterday on my way up the chacon highway i spotted 2 tiny kittens huddled by the roadside so without thinking i whipped the truck around and went back to get them. when i got up close one ran off quick into the road. not very good at running....so little....it scampered over to the other side and dove into the grassy bank.meanwhile i had picked up the other one and headed over to the truck. i had no box or anything so just put it on the seat next to me and it quickly dissappeared under the seats. then standing there for a moment in the cold wind i realized what i'd done, felt bad that i'd seperated them when i'd meant to rescue both, then felt even worse when it was clear to me that i can't take this little wild one home. it was terrified and so so small, i've got big cats and dogs at home already, and the electrician was there clomping around with the doors wide open, and i'm exhausted and i'm moving soon...possibly sooner than this little one would trust me and the dogs and suddenly it all seemed really impossible so i searched around and found the fuzzer crammed as far back under my seat as it could go, got it outta there, held it to my chest and walked it over to the grassy bank where its sibling had dissappeared and let it go into the tall grass.

my compulsion to save everything helpless and fourlegged from hunger and cold.
but right now i can't i just can't.Things are changing. This is not my home.