Saturday, May 5, 2007

the mess of my brain and happy cinco de mayo!

ahhhhhhhhh....where do i begin to unravel my tangled thoughts. I haven't felt this loopy since back in the days of homelessness. Thats probably because i'm finding myself exploring what it would mean to sell this place, then taking time to find something else where i'm not so isolated and in doing that i risk a period of relative homelessness. Folks like me with environmental illness have a hell of a time renting...its near impossible. New paint, pesticides, dryer vents, carpeting, residual cig smoke, air "fresheners" or chemical cleaners....these are all the commonly found hazards of a rented property.
but wait....thats not what i wanted to write about.
but wait, i don't know what the hell i want to write about.
one minute, i'm staying here come hell or highwater....godammit,I will scrape the bottom of my well scraped emotional barrel and persevere...to hell with my deep ache for a hot bath, a full pantry, a poetry reading, some clothes without holes, and human touch.
the next minute i'm convinced that i just can't do it anymore...this potent isolation/poverty cocktail, so then begins the thoughts of where to go, how to get there and how would it be any different than here? Move home to the finger lakes/ ithaca? disappear into mexico and kiss the empire goodbye?
oh...sigh.

every now and then i catch myself barely touching ground and i have to stop...practice pranayama...breath....and go tend my newest lettuce and leeks in the garden...inspite of the gross contradiction to my flighty thoughts, i need to sit at my wheel and spin as i've only 30 bucks for the month and thinking thinking sure doesn't earn me any cash.

in a few years time this place will have been the longest i've lived in my entire life.When i was born till i was 7 currently holds the title...after that is a blur of perpetual movement.

i've perused the intentional communities directory and in the end found it quite depressing. listing after listing of straight white middle class well meaning folks without a drop of disability access awareness, convinced they are changing the world by creating their own whitey eco utopia...sigh. I'm too jaded and rough around the edges and ginormously queer for all that.

its snowing right now, big fluffy christmas snowflakes, while the sun is also out and the birds are singing.the weather mirrors my contradictory thoughts.
yesterday i watched a herd of elk pass throught the pasture above me. like clockwork every year they come through.
yesterday i also watched the llamas, who will be leaving in a few days, chase a coyote off the property...it was great to watch. I'm gonna miss them for that.and heres my sheeplies stuffing their faces in the feedbox i finally finally slapped together after a winter of wasting far too much hay...its works quite well as they can't stand/poop/piss on the hay 2 minutes after i give it them.

and finally, today is cinco de mayo...celebrating a small victory over the forces of colonization and empirical expansion....viva!!!

2 comments:

Rosie said...

The photos look really good on flikr! Are you ready to start on the web page?

I hope you don't have to sell the place. If you have to, think about getting another place like that...just not so remote. There is lots of rural space out there that has some sort of community nearer. You are really so much more isolated than I am. I know you won't be able to beat the air quality you have there.

Good news for your evil llama girl.

erin ambrose said...

web page...yes...but what do i do next?

the problem with getting closer to a progressive-ish community here in n.m. (and i would imagine this is true everywhere) is that the gentrification is so so out of control that i wouldn't be able to afford squat. its a big reason i ended up way out here on the frontier of rural queer living.

my friend is definitley not coming. so i'm havin' ta dig deep.
i'm hoping i can tough it out....since i'm a tough-ass and all.