decision making...ugh

ok...i know i'm a broken record...but lets pretend for moment that i can get a house wherever i want....that the economics isn't so much the issue. just pretend ok? i feel i really relly need to decide if i'm going to go live in las vegas or pick up my life and go back to new york. they require very different things...things that i need to get going with soon. so .....

arrg.

vegas is easier, i'm here already,i know the town pretty well. its an easy move for me and my animals, including the chickens which i could keep. i could also keep my old mercedes and not have to deal with getting a better car to drive across the country in. the sun shines all the time here. i don't have to sell everything i own to make a gigantic trip. theres hot springs up the road in the mountains . theres one funky little open mic at a cafe on the plaza every other week. the weaving co-op, tapetes de lana is there so i could make a little money. its 60 miles to santa fe.

all sounds rather logical , no?

ahhhh...but i worry that if i decide on las vegas i will be haunted by the desire to go home.

that sort of move requires a chunk of money. i can't imagine when i'll ever again have the resources to make a move like that.


but the flip side is what if i make this huge leap to new york and once the dust settles i'm reminded of all the reasons i left. the sun is rarely out. the winters are nasty cold. its industrial and crowded.

but my family is there, my history is there...and indian food...and mendon ponds...and water....real live queer people.

all of this internal debate is of course tainted by the recession...its hard not to feel like whatever choice i make that uses up this dwindling lump of cash will be kind of final. i don't feel i can tell myself " i'll just find an owner financed house in vegas, live there for spell and then sell the house and head home if i still feel the need."

the -sell the house- factor is highly questionable.

same goes for thinking i could head to new york, find a cheap owner financed house in the city and if i don't like it i'll SELL THE HOUSE and move.

everything feels so grim, like wherever i land is basically where i'll be riding out the fall of the empire and the changing of the suns so i better make a good decision...eh?


ohhhh....my head hurts.

e.i. in the news...oh my

ahhhhh....once in a blue moon the media likes to drag out the circus tent for my favorite personal impairment, environmental illness. in this article, as usual, there has to be plenty of references to the probability that its a load of made up crap.
its also super typical for any mention of e.i. to be about some quirky, ineffectual, white, middle class woman. i firmly believe that chemical injury reaches everyone, but is especially endemic in lower class communities that are by and large exposed to the worst pollution we can offer up.

but anyway... i love how in this article the neighbors are more concerned with their property values than this womans quality of life....which is where the opinion that she's making it all up comes in very handy.

my god, its too sad that this is still where things are at. I've identified many of my impairments as being related to chemical exposure for over a decade now. that there is still such mainstream resistance to the idea, never mind the reality, that the overwhelming toxicity of our environment is making people sick is just mind-boggling. what a snow job the chemical giants and petroleum companies have done on everyone for the last 50 plus years.

and the real life, on the ground ramifications of the popular, denial-laden opinion that "its all in her head" are frightening. I should know. its related to why i go weeks, sometimes months w/out human touch. why i have such a tiny tiny social circle that hasn't expanded in years. why i'm always on the verge of living under a freakin' bridge somewhere and often wondering how it is i'm supposed to survive the rest of my life.

i don't get ssi checks for having environmental illness. even though that was the case i presented. i get those paltry checks for being crazy, for thinking that chemicals is why i'm such a wreck....its a loooooong string of crazy labels. which i wear with pride, mind you, but the irony is heavy...and a bit frightening.

visuals

we've just about the best visitor EVER here for a few days, her name is miel, she's just being weened from mama.at full height, head up, the tips of her ears come to my shoulder. her mom has fallen ill and has been taken to the vet so miel came here for a spell...she has fur like a chinchilla and she is super mellow. too fucking cute.


my mom sent me these from home in the finger lakes in new york where she lives...ohhhhh i miss the fall colors!
and heres a shot of a house i'm considering buying in las vegas.
the inside needs finishing. its an old adobe that burned down at some point leaving just the walls and some folks in santa fe have started the rebuild but can't finish so are trying to sell it. below is a shot of the attic which i think has the potential to be a totally dreamy space.Now, its not for sure that i can get it financed, and i'm also not sure that vegas is really where i want to end up since i'm still pretty enchanted by the thought of going home to rochester.....hmmmmm. certainly a move just 25 miles up the highway to a small town that i know pretty well is much easier than a 2000 miles move to a bigger city that i haven't lived in for 18 years....but when the dust settles what will i think? we will see.....i don't quite have the luxury of "choice " yet...i'll know in a few days.

my new friend

is this million year old la mancha lady.she came here to retire and she's looking much better than when she arrived. she ain't no wooly wonder but she'll do for now. my old lady goat band-aid on the sheep wound. she doesn't have a name but i call her eleanor.

the aftermath

is not pretty.
you'd think someone died! i'm doing a bit better each day...a little less sobbing, still some weeping...esp. in the morning when i first wake up.
its like a part of me is missing.
its esp. hard when i go out to feed the horses...theres no wooly bodies extending from mine. no little hooves clammering across the bridge, running up behind me out in in front of me, jumping and butting heads in play.

its so empty. quiet.

i can't reach down and casually touch their wool as they pass me, get that earthy greasy smell on my hands.

i'm avoiding the now empty pen as best i can...if i go in there i just start crying some more and honestly crying is hurting at this point....hurts my stomach and neck muscles. i'm so drained.

i had no idea it would be this hard. i underestimated how much of me was connected to them.

hard right now esp. since i don't have an exact destination yet. it would feel different if after their new owners drove off into te sunset with them i could have turned around and said "ok! time to pack and move into my new home and start my new life"...but i'm still here, right next to that damn empty pen, trying to figure out what the hell i should/can do given my means and abilities.

oh my sheep....i miss my sheep.

i'm scraping myself together. i'll get there, wherever that is. i get so attached to things...people, animals, houses, routines, rhythms...its my inner only child....transient, welfare-class , single parent only child.

i get attached...i can't help it.

the sheep leave tomorrow

i don't have the umph to say much about it. too many little voices saying its not necessary, i'm giving up to soon, i just haven't figured out the right strategy yet or found the right place. those little voices compete with the louder voices i don't want to hear yelling "you are too poor to keep them".


i love them. i'll miss them. i'm already a weepy mess.
tomorrow is going to suck.
hard.

all you have to do is shoot yourself...

I love how Fannie-mae didn't see any ethical or moral problem w/ evicting a 90 year old woman from her home that she'd lived in for 30 years....not until she shot herself and some bad press got out about it....lovely.

and these the heartless greedy robots we just "bailed out" w/ 700 billion dollars of our money.....



Mortgage forgiven for woman, 90, who shot herself



AKRON, Ohio - Mortgage finance company Fannie Mae said it is forgiving the mortgage debt of a 90-year-old woman who shot herself in the chest as sheriff's deputies attempted to evict her.

Addie Polk's plight was cited by Rep. Dennis Kucinich, D-Ohio, on Friday before the House voted to approve the $700 billion financial rescue package. Kucinich voted against the plan.

Fannie Mae announced later Friday that it would dismiss its foreclosure action, forgive Polk's mortgage and allow her to return to the Akron home where she's lived since 1970.

"Just given the circumstances, we think it's appropriate," Fannie Mae spokesman Brian Faith said, citing Kucinich's statement and news reports. "It certainly made our radar screen."

Polk remained in Akron General Medical Center and was expected to recover from chest wounds suffered last week.

She became the home's sole owner in 1995 when her husband died, then took out a mortgage loan in 1997 and refinanced several times, court and property records show.

Countrywide Home Loans filed for foreclosure last year, and Polk's home was sold to Fannie Mae at a sheriff's auction in June. Deputies were to escort Polk from her home Wednesday when gunshots were heard inside.

Polk's longtime neighbor, Robert Dillon, climbed through her window and found her lying in bed bleeding with a gun next to her. He visited Polk in the hospital on Friday.

"She said it was a crazy thing to do, now that she's had time to think about it," Dillon said.

-AP

___

thoughts on being lower class

poor is never being able to make informed, consensual decisions about your life
but instead just reacting to things that happen to you.

poor is not knowing if you'll ever live in a decent house
without holes in the walls
leaking pipes
bugs
missing insulation
or old windows with drafts that sway curtains

poor has no bootstraps
no fridge full of food

poor waits for the month to end

poor is a single pane
cold draft at your back

whispering hurry
hurry
react.




-for kathleen

UFW calls weekend of action against WHOLE FOODS

ah yes...a chance to hassle snarky ol' anti-union take over the planet whole foods....read on....




Please join in the weekend of action to call on Whole Foods
to live up to its claim of social responsibility.

Members and supporters of the United Farm Workers, International Brotherhood of the Teamsters, National Farm Workers Ministry, Organic Consumers Association will leaflet at Whole Foods stores across the country on the weekend of Oct. 4.

The four organizations are standing in support of workers employed at the Beef Northwest feedlots where Country Natural Beef finishes its cows. Whole Foods is the largest retailer of Country Natural Beef.

Whole Foods prides itself in saying that social responsibility is a cornerstone of its belief system and it expects the same from its vendors. However, despite numerous appeals by Beef Northwest workers, Whole Foods dismisses the fact that Beef Northwest doesn’t treat its workers with dignity and respect which are central components in the ideology behind social responsibility.

“Whole Foods has the opportunity to act on the side of social responsibility, but it chooses not to,” said Arturo Rodriguez, UFW President. “It would appear that Whole Foods only cares about certain classes of society.”

Workers at Beef Northwest approached the UFW in the fall of 2006 seeking union representation. During that time, the UFW has supported the workers while the company has refused to come to the table to negotiate, and has threatened and intimidated workers. There are currently two lawsuits pending against Beef Northwest including one for failure to pay overtime.

Supporters will be leafleting in front of dozens of stores across the country.
If you do not live by one of these locations, you can still help by printing out the leaflet and bringing it to your local Whole Foods manager and urge them to tell corporate headquarters it's time to get involved.


to print out a flyer and get more info,go HERE...do it!

self portrait, latest blanket and a cool bug

made from my own sheep! its big, heavy, earthy, entirely handspun and handwoven and its for sale. drop a line for more info if you're interested.

i have never seen one of these before. like alittle dinosaur.