dreaming of home and sick as a dog

people, i have been sick. not your average environmental illness can't remember where i put my tea one minute ago sick, but stomach flu sick...or food poisoning....or something that makes all the contents of ones body come rushing out by any means possible.
lovely.
and that was a few days ago...since then i've just been really weak and sore and dizzy, esp. in the 100 degree weather...esp. in the house i'm now in that i'm pretty sure is not insulated in the roof so theres absolutely no difference between the outdoors and inside my house.
lovely.
so lying around woozy and nauseous in the heat for a few days gives me way too much time to ponder my fate. ask myself the dreaded question...what the hell am i doing with my life?

i'm really missing owning my own place, which sounds nutty coming out of my lower class mouth...but it puts a whole different spin on all the stupid problems that come up....because its MY home. but now i'm living in a classic new mexican 1/2trailer 1/2 cabin thats not mine...i'm just a farm hand. the main room is something like 8 feet wide and 25ft or 30ft long...i live in a sweltering hallway. i still don't have hot water...which at this point is only remotely tolerable since its an inferno outside....but my point is that all these things would feel different if i owned it, if i'd commited to it.

pride of ownership and love of the land is what kept me going for 5 years up on the mountain...til poverty ran me off...but i held out as long as i could because i was in love and determined to stay. and still i mourn the loss...esp. when i'm this sick and cant do much to distract myself.

i do like this farm...even though grasshoppers ate my whole garden....i like it when its 6am and it isn't hot yet, or when the wind isn't wailing, or theres nobody around wanting things from me or cutting through my yard and invading my privacy, or changing things around and messing with my fragile routine. i like the owl in the orchard, and the big old cottonwood outside my window.i like having enough money for food and the occasional treat like music or a trip to santa fe or the thrift store.

but i need my own home.i need to be in love again. my life has been too transient, even as a child ....i told my mom that i moved out of chacon using mostly paper grocery bags and she laughed and said " oh, you got that from when you were a kid and we moved so often there was no time for the formality of boxes with labels"

no wonder home is so important to me.