Tuesday, January 1, 2008

some sort of new years day...i think.(warning: post could be a downer)

way out here in the nowhere lands that are the backdrop of my quiet little life, i forget about things like holidays. last night i went to bed at 8:30. no dressing up and heading out to dance the night away, no gathering with friends to mark the new year. Just some dandelion tea and ginger snaps while i try to get through this book about the rise of fascism in america (i'll complain about that book in another post). the whole christmas scene was the same. This has been true for years now, not really out of choice but just because i'm programmed to make the best of things. sort of that working class mantra of "don't want what you can't have". the holiday season is something i wait patiently to be over with so its not so hectic out there in the cities when i venture out for supplies.

the big move from my land occured during this holiday season....coincidentally plunging me into deep thought about my life and what the hell i'm doing with it. and aside from the isolation I'm in a great situation right now really since its free, its beautiful and my animals have a place BUT its not mine and i can't shake the feeling of limbo, its surreal, like i can't feel the ground, i've no pride in place. this might feel less so once i'm in the caretaker house, right now i'm in the owners house while we wait for the former careaker to hussle on outta here. so its like i'm staying in a hotel.
and I'm so damn fed up with having e.i., and having the resulting inaccessability of absolutely everywhere/thing/one define what i can and can't do with my life. then theres the outragous gentrification of real estate in new mexico, the cost of gas (it costs me 25 bucks now to drive to santa fe and get groceries).....so here i am complaining,how fun for you all, i even sound a bit angry which is good as its better than depressed and feeling nothing at all but honestly.....its all a real drag

dragging...yes, thats how things feel . i'm dragging myself through each day. i worry that my will to be more than this is wearing thin. that on some level i'm submitting to what seems to be my destiny to live in the middle of nowhere, unknown and untouched. I'm also aware that its mid-winter and that always seems to get me down.
again, i feel myself making the best , making the best....find peace with it erin, be content, find joy in the little things, find peace...blah blah blah.
it makes me think of that chant we used to shout at protests...
"no justice, no peace."

1 comment:

Jbeeky said...

I think posts like this are so important. You have a gift for words and share that gift in happiness and sadness. That is a wonderful thing.