right now

i feel most at peace when the wind is calm and the sun is warm and i'm outside tending all the animals.
i feel a sense of place and purpose and connection.
i can then take that peace with me inside with the fire and and the beckoning bath tub
and my lazy cats in the windows basking in puddles of sun.

the future is a jumble of potential scenarios that seriously start to stress me out.

unless i focus on the scenarios that don't....
like turning garden beds,
and sinking my hands into bags full of freshly shorn fleece
and plenty of rainfall
and a swollen acequia
and chiles and squash and beautiful beautiful corn russlin' in a cool night wind.

and everything just falling into place for even just a little while.
a reprieve from the edge of cold high mountain poor.
just a little while. allow me a little comfort.
let me luxuriate in some warm and steady repetition.

picture worth a 1000 words

Farmers protest near parliament in the South Korean capital Seoul against the ratification of a trade deal with the US.(bbc)

a bad horse and some good bees

this is what i found this morning when i went down to feed everyone. the battery on the elec. fence is totally dead and georgia here is a wonder at over /under and through any kind of barricade so she sauntered over to help herself at the salad bar.

as though i don't have enough on my plate with spring coming, i'm really really into this idea of keeping bees. i've always gotten on real well with them in life and it seems an important thing to do with the rampant demise of commercial hives. small beekeepers are fairing well, at least around here. healthy bees, chem free forage for their sacred pollinating pleasure...in turn lots of honey and comb and pollen and yum..
there this well known local beekeeper guy, les crowder, that teaches these season long certification beekeeping courses that seem kind of amazing. but albuquerque is too too far for me. lets hope for a las vegas course!

introducing coal

this is my new friend, coal. he's a 4 yr old miniature donkey. he came from a farm thats in foreclosure. a farm in foreclosure is a sad thing... no?
he's in need of some weight loss and a gelding...but he's very sweet.
very eeyore in stature.
softest belly fur i've ever felt.
but he does have those testosterone surges that make him...um...a bit of a jack ass. hence the need for gelding. then we can get him another donkey to be with. this is crucial to donkey happiness.in the morning when he sees me coming he does this outrageous scream that leads into the hee-haw hee-haw. the scream part sounds like he's being slaughtered...its wild.

theres another donkey that lives not far and i can hear that one sometimes as well.here with the horses you can see how small he is, maybe 36-38 inches at the withers. the big old horse is mean to him, another reason for the gelding and getting him a donkey, then they can have their own pasture. right now he's really in love with the 2 year mare in the foreground, i don't think he's even tall enough to sniff her properly much less get his miniature willy in there, its silly.

lips just above the waterline shouting

I'm trying.
i really am.
trying to hunker down and focus
on one
thing
at a time
i'm trying to be productive in the face of....of what i don't know.
the undertow of empirical collapse i suppose.
but its much more than that.
i'm trying to laugh deep and loud at any laughable opportunity
keep my eyes on the horizon while storing away tidbits of hope.
bit and pieces might build a ship that'll sing along the surface.
all around me my friends are treading water.
my mother is treading water.
my siblings scrambling without sleep to make ends meet.
sometimes sinking then flailing around with that stubborn need to breath
to expand against the prevailing force.
overextending the quelling of panic cuz panic does no good.
it uses up precious energy and air.
air that could be saving lives
air that could be
laughter sometimes forced upon tears because it feels different than grief.
doesn't weigh as much.
air that could be singing
"a working class hero is something to be
a working class hero is something to be..."
could be singing it over

could be singing called a shout
in this battle to remain at all optimistic about our lives in the changing of suns
amidst the crumbling ravenous flailing of war soaked humanity i touch base
with other struggles and try to absorb it without sinking.
try to shake off the weight without losing the love.
throw love toward the horizon a rope to hold tight to and stay up here with the oxygen laughing and shouting a song.

she loves me, she loves me not

When i do my morning chores of feeding all the animals i will sometimes let the sheep out so they can follow me down to the lower part of the farm and do a bit of running and playing. A few days ago, in the midst of this routine, i noticed that diosa was following me like a shadow. she didn't care where she was in relation to the other sheep as long as she was right next to me and weirdest of all didn't care if i touched her. Diosa has never let me really touch her....ever. not even a scratch on the head. and she has always been the easiest to get moving by just laying a brief hand anywhere on her body thus jolting her into immediate springy action. But not this day. I was able to lean down and put my arms around her middle and squeeze....and she didn't budge. Thinking she might be ill, I parted her wool and checked her ribs to gauge her weight, checked her ears, her eyes, her mouth and lifted her tail to see how everything was looking under there....she just didn't move....it was like she was in a trance.....and she kept wagging her tail quite vigorously.

later that day, while chatting with my mom, i mentioned that i was kind of worried about diosa and told her all about the odd behavior. maybe my mom had just enough of that outsider perspective cuz right away she thought it was hormonal. "could she be in heat?".
thats it!
i was the closest thing to a ram that diosa was gonna get....she was standing for me....and it totally explains the super wagging of her tail when i would place my hands on her body.

as of the next day, it was over. she's right back to flitting and jumping and being joyfully evasive of all touch. Just like that. Their estrus cycle is something like every 17 days or so, seasonally....so we'll see if it happens again.
and now i know what to look for in all of them.
my little lambs are all grown up.

and check out this most gorgeous navajo churro ram. i pulled this from the "sheep is life" website (see worthy linkage). just stunning.

some sort of new years day...i think.(warning: post could be a downer)

way out here in the nowhere lands that are the backdrop of my quiet little life, i forget about things like holidays. last night i went to bed at 8:30. no dressing up and heading out to dance the night away, no gathering with friends to mark the new year. Just some dandelion tea and ginger snaps while i try to get through this book about the rise of fascism in america (i'll complain about that book in another post). the whole christmas scene was the same. This has been true for years now, not really out of choice but just because i'm programmed to make the best of things. sort of that working class mantra of "don't want what you can't have". the holiday season is something i wait patiently to be over with so its not so hectic out there in the cities when i venture out for supplies.

the big move from my land occured during this holiday season....coincidentally plunging me into deep thought about my life and what the hell i'm doing with it. and aside from the isolation I'm in a great situation right now really since its free, its beautiful and my animals have a place BUT its not mine and i can't shake the feeling of limbo, its surreal, like i can't feel the ground, i've no pride in place. this might feel less so once i'm in the caretaker house, right now i'm in the owners house while we wait for the former careaker to hussle on outta here. so its like i'm staying in a hotel.
and I'm so damn fed up with having e.i., and having the resulting inaccessability of absolutely everywhere/thing/one define what i can and can't do with my life. then theres the outragous gentrification of real estate in new mexico, the cost of gas (it costs me 25 bucks now to drive to santa fe and get groceries).....so here i am complaining,how fun for you all, i even sound a bit angry which is good as its better than depressed and feeling nothing at all but honestly.....its all a real drag

dragging...yes, thats how things feel . i'm dragging myself through each day. i worry that my will to be more than this is wearing thin. that on some level i'm submitting to what seems to be my destiny to live in the middle of nowhere, unknown and untouched. I'm also aware that its mid-winter and that always seems to get me down.
again, i feel myself making the best , making the best....find peace with it erin, be content, find joy in the little things, find peace...blah blah blah.
it makes me think of that chant we used to shout at protests...
"no justice, no peace."