hitting bottom and crawlin' around there

so...life has been kicking my ass lately. its the potent combination of poverty, deepest winter and total isolation....and this my 4th winter
every camel has its last straw and this morning was mine.
weird shit keeps happening in the early mornings for me...always before i've eaten or had tea or even made the fire
always something thats really chaotic and physically demanding.
this morning it was cat piss.
see, i'm not one for litter boxes cuz i think they're gross. And i've never had a problem around this...years i've had these cats.
but in the winter they will go these long stretches indoors, sometimes 14 hours or so. i mean, its 10 degrees outside, can you blame them?
and this morning i was distracted just at that crucial -cats should really go out- moment and marcos had the hugest piss on some newspaper behind the wood stove.....oh my gawd it reeks! and then ofcourse triggers all this poverty crap i've got about being one of those gnarley skinny old poor women with the cat pee house.
and while i was on my kness scrubbing the floor with baking soda and freezing cold water i just broke down.
waaaaaaay down.
screamed till my vocal chords rattled and rasped.

all the animals became afraid of me....like i was about to shatter into millions of sharp shards.

and i wish this post could end with some inspirationl tale of how i've picked my self up and i'm feelin' fine...emerging from the dark blah blah.....but my house still carries the faintest trace of cat pee poverty....its all of 15 degrees at mid day....and my eyeballs feel like glue.

at least the sun is out
the winds not blowing
i'm not in any immediate danger
i'm not fighting with anyone
theres gas in the truck
i've got solar power
and my mothers backbone.