how to resist dissappearing.

its intense. all the changes. the long term effects of isolation. esp. the last 6 years of rural living on my own. and the loss, still digesting all the loss. my home, my little mt. life , my sheep. and living here in this tiny apt. i can't really afford, or weave in. in a town where i know 2 accessible people, and they don't really get on w/ each other.
(but hey, don't think for moment i don't appreciate the plumbing, the fridge, the endless hot hot water and electricity that doesn't cut out for a day here and there....its fantastic)

I'm only beginning to grasp the depth to which being so isolated has changed me.

this in town thing....it means i deal w/ random people everyday. every frikkin' day, in some capacity. and ya know, i'm ok w/ cashiers...i can hold a minute long chatty inane convo no problem. but oh my if i'm presented w/ a social situation whereby i have to have a convo longer than a minute, where there is implied relating going on, i swear i can't see straight, don't know what to do w/ my hands and often i can't remember what i've said afterward.
i'm always checking in w/ a friend after any social thing happens to see if i "did ok".

I do fine w/ one on one relating w/ someone i know well, thats not a problem.i enjoy the intimacy. its socializing i can't seem to handle, my brain just blows a fuse.
I have no idea how to go about getting to know someone new. no idea. i'm so used to peopele not being accessible, or worth the effort to gain access, or even being an option.
its so deeply ingrained in me to self-sustain, to not need anyone. to put on a smile and a quick laugh but to protect myself from people, no...to protect myself from needing people.

so i'm pushing. i'm pushing through.
I'm not always successful.
i'm resisting the urge, which is really a habit now, to stay one step ahead of the seemingly inevitable inaccessibility, marginalization and confusion by just staying home, staying out of it. i'm pushing through the dizzy nausea that comes up when i think about attending a social gathering. honestly, just the loud roar of everyones many agendas makes me want hole up in bed after a hot hot shower...never mind the perfumes, detergents and hair products.

i'm not quite convinced that humans are worth it. still feeling that where i belong is on a green grassy hillside conversing telepathically w/ my sheep...not navigating my way through traffic, spending cash i don't have and chit chatting w/ city folk in a cloud of pollution.
but...i'm here...my mt. home is gone, that place was a dream 10 years in the making and 5 years of living and its gone. systematically dismantled by poverty and disability. i chose to leave in order to survive.
and i'm here now, a little lost.always contemplating my next move. focused on surviving, on not dissapearing.
i'm not yet brave enough to dream.