oya and easier gifts of change

winds are here for real.
she's not fuckin' around.
its the kind of wind that picks up large objects and hurls them through the air. lots of dust devils too since we haven't had any precip in a long time now.
unfortunately, from what i've been told, the place i'll be moving to has its own wind issues. but at least its warmer. tomorrow it will be 30 something here but the wind chill will make it 0 fucking degrees. 0 degrees is just wrong.

in the midst of these windy days i had a visitor. an old friend i haven't spent real time with in a long while. and even with all the water under our decade long bridge its was good. cathartic. a chance for some useful, much needed crip/class/sex work/ gender/resistance dialog and general kind of bonding stuff. and it was a long enough visit to reach that point where i can really be present with his company. I'm alone so much that at first a visitor is just like this big object taking up space and staring at me. takes me a bit to open up and focus.
and i was thrilled to be able to find that place in my blood that thinks him so so gorgeous and deliciously human.
i thought he was gorgeous since the first moment i saw him which was like 11 years ago on a mountain road at night where my old plymouth volare had gotten a flat and we had no spare. but its been a struggle, this friendship, sometimes felt like some cosmic force exists just to throw obstacles in our way. It either hasn't been possible or there hasn't been the energy or the ability or the time to process every freakin' hard thing thats happened between us or to either of us over the years. so some just get swept under the very lumpy rug. somethings just have to be forgiven or forgotten.

we must pick and choose our battles cuz damn, there's battles all around us for the picking.
and not enough love.
definitely
not enough love.