a moment to notice beauty.

this has been a particularly bad month or so.
and not surprisingly, I'm quite ill...whats new right, but its the sort thats from emotional and adrenal exhaustion, really just keeps me still , in bed, drinking lots of fluids... and thinking.

In the midst of all the trauma and stress, I need to mention whats beautiful.

I've gained a sense of family. There are children in my life.
Children that love me. Children that i love.
I have the most amazing lover. we have a love built on 14 years of friendship, complicated lust, common ground and understanding. we fight hard to stay here and stay loving and kind and appreciative and mindful of each other and what we give.

even when things are unspeakably hard.

cleaning out my old email I found this letter he wrote me 2 years ago today. a letter that when i received it, left me sobbing...sigh...such was the state of my protected, untouchable and lonely heart at that point in my life. with his permission and encouragement, i'm going to share just a bit of it. Its a beautiful thing.

"...My attraction to you is simple: strong, ever present and enduring. It
flashes like heat, like pain and grief. It exists even as it is
complicated by life, by violent brutality, parenting , loss, privilege and
isolation: it has resided. tenacious, in Resistance, survival and hope;
Patiently."

i hold this to my heart.
close.
close to my heart.
keeps it open.
keeps it feeling.
and possible.