Monday, June 29, 2009

femme2fag pt1: finding home in the hungry body

life sometimes seems to be about a series of unveiling's, peeling away of layers. discovering whats there. sunlight hitting the newest skin. whether i'm ready or not.

in july i'm having chest surgery. the breasts go. gone. fantastic...and frightening...but mostly fantastic.

i think the biggest head fuck over this is the money. I'm on a fixed income, 8k a year, lucky to have a roof over my head. i try to make ends meet by not eating as much food as i likely need to, i go a little bit hungry every day. i live on thin ice. so...who the fuck am i to get an 8 thousand dollar body modification? who the fuck am i to do anything other than sit tight and try not to cost anything? or, how happy am i gonna be with my new chest when i'm sleeping in my fucking car?

since i sold my little home in chacon i've been looking for a new home to buy. but here i am almost 2 years later, the money steadily dwindling, and i haven't found it. i can't get a mortgage so i'm limited to owner financing. and in order for payments to be reasonable for me the property has to 50k or less. you don't get crap for 50k or less in new mexico unless i wanna go waaaaay back out to the middle of nowhere and once again live w/out running water and electricity.The cost of rent is beyond my income. section 8 lists are miles long.

so in the meantime theres been the surgery. this is likely my only opportunity for such a privileged procedure. its attainable w/ the money i have left. if i don't do something the money will disappear into car repairs and dog food. at least with the surgery, it can't be taken away. can't be lost to poverty.

its mine. its my body. its my sense of self. its who i am.

bizarre is how i'm making all the last minutes details come together for this huge journey and surgery while in between those tasks and thoughts i'm a deer in the headlights. my brain desperately trying to find a way out of what feels inevitable. inevitable instability. It feels like when i was a little kid and i was standing at the edge of the shallow end in a pool when i began to slide. slide. slide into the deep end. under i went and i could see the light at the top of the water. and the murky unknown darkness at the deepest point of the pool.

planning surgery is easy. its a straight(hardly)forward task made up of little tasks like emails and list making and research. keeps my head above the murky waters of where the hell am i going to live and make ends meet and not be isolated...and, god forbid, do some work for myself and this fucked up world.

i think i'm harboring some sort of dangerous idea that after surgery something will shift. that the skin shedding will free something up. that the new skin will beam with light.
that i'll start swimming.


cherylhotton said...

Why are you doing this to yourself ? Medical reasons ? Go find your family . I worry about you as I worry about my 3 children .

sighing said...

Thank you for writing this Erin.
You inspire me to face the truths of my current existence.
Swim baby.

aaron said...


erin ambrose said...

cyn, thank you for your supportive words. at this stage in the game that is exactly what i need. i'm not in a place at this time to address the "why" people. if i have the brain space to muster a reading list so that folks can educate themselves on gender variance, identity and politics i will.but don't hold your breath cuz i'm gonna be out for the count for a while...maybe look into it yourselves? cheers.

Jbeeky said...

I agree that sometimes when it seems you "should" be focusing on certain logistics, a pathway from somewhere else comes out like at bright light that you can not look away from. Good on you for seeing it and moving towards it. Things will shift, Erin.