i've been horribly depressed....and stressed....and generally kinda flipped out.
it hasn't been pretty.
i'm feeling a bit better these last couple of days. scraping myself together.
managing to laugh at things. this is crucial.
its scary when i can't find the laughter.
ive managed to plaster over the chaos w/ a thin veneer of -its okay-. for now anyway.
i seriously can't take this isolation anymore. and while its not quite as extreme as it was in chacon,and at least i'm not hungry now and i have running water and plenty of electricity, i'm done with it.
at my wits end.
coping mechanisms are worn out and ragged.
like an old poem of mine, "...some old car with tics and dings and rusting parts beyond repair..."
i feel i should have made a bigger leap when i sold chacon. this here place is too similar. and w/ gas costs getting higher and higher its harder for me to go places and its just as hard for people to come here. and theres too many animals....blasphemous but true, and most of them aren't even mine. but at one point in the throws of my breakdown i was convinced i needed to not only get rid of the sheep and chickens but also the dogs and cats...all of them. no dependents...i suspect so that i could then truly spiral downward into certain disinegration or demise w/ out feeling like i'm abandoning anyone. but alas...a long as i'm still here there's still animals that need me...they aren't mine and its my job...dammit.
its easy to romanticize this life. the farmer, the shepherd, the spinster. i do it, when i can. altho i fear its now one of my newly defunct coping mechanisms. i'm going on 6 years of no tangible community. everyone i know is really really far away. no one stops by. ever. my last 4 birthdays have been just me...as well as christmas, new years, all solstice and equinox passings....you get the idea.
this past week i've felt distinctly like i was slipping through the cracks.
if a tree falls in the woods and no one is there to hear it...does it make any sound?
so....if its now -operation end isolation-...what do i do? i look almost religiously for a place to buy w/ my ever dwindling nest egg from selling the chacon cabin. but w/out any mortgage capacity its slim pickins'.usually something that would be at all attainable is just another middle of nowhere situation...and on the verge of needing to be torn down not lived in.
and even though renting can be a mine field for e.i's, i look for rentals in town but everything would require my entire ssi check...and then some.
santa fe civic housing is flat out NOT accepting section 8 applications right now..."maybe starting next year". with the economy tanking and the housing scene so fucked up its no surprise everyone and their mother is after section 8.homeless shelters are seeing record numbers as well.
lingering in the air is still this idea of building in my friends backyard...but oy veh...we're a long way from reaching consensus on that...so like i say...it lingers...and i'll tell ya, i'm not too fond of havin' all my eggs in a lingerin' basket.
but like i said, for now i've managed to paste over the fear and futility with this eerie calm. a hard earned skill.
I weave,i chat with animals like doctor fucking doolittle, i watch movies, i dance and stretch, sometimes i pace and talk to myself or stare out the window.
sometimes i start to weep...just a little
and i sing while i do the farm chores...
"what if your hinges all are rusting
what if in fact you're just disgusting
razzle dazzle em' and they'll never catch on....."