negative space

the morning is cloudy

smells like water

and the sky is full of cranes and their cooing

song says

stay warm

move as you must

sing

I need the sky full of cranes to fill the space you are not in

I need soft steady companions

I need purpose

and as the mundane and the routines come slowly back
into focus

I realize they are the remedy

the dirty dishes are there to ground me cover my hands

in warm moving water

the laundry waits for me

in warm moving water

the bath waits for me

to come clean

come back

move as i must

stay warm

I need to fill the spaces you are not in

I need to feed the cat

I need to warm water

for a tea of roses

I need all the roses

I need my lovers soft steady hands to bring my skin back

from following you out to the negative space

that waits for us all

I gave you my softest steadiest hands
cooing to you

as you died

I caught it all in a

small cup of water

I poured it onto rosemary

this morning

beneath the cranes.

-for Agatha

                  

last call femme incantation

I’m with the witches

and the whores

the seeded queens

the beauty makers

the rusty dragons

downers

and loose change

I’m with risk

and a bad turn

I eat the rich

like any spell casting

pre- internet harlot

would

I’m in it for the cash crop

I’m with thorns

the stay the fuck off me

the make a wish moon

say come closer

there’s plenty for everyone

I’m with water

and the rusted beauty

she creates

as empires fall

I’m with

the seeded the sashay the unstoppable

rising shining

queens

that teach us love.

I am not Orlando

I’m a lot of things survivor

one bad turna luck from hungry

I’m sick and low class and as queer

as it comes shocked and I’m grieving

but I am not Orlando

colonization did not destroy my homeland

demonize my heart

leave me lookin for sanctuary

on a dazzling dance floor of family rhythms and tongues

leave my open joy a target

and yeah,  

I started hitting the bars at 15

twirling under lights or tucked up in back corner darkness

riding out something horrible in the humid n heaving

safety of the club

but whiteness took me takes me home safer than most

handed me the power of citizenship at birth

hell, even in the welfare line I’ve got “potential”

and my fellow white trans and queer folk

while we mire in rainbow slick pools of grief and privilege

let’s remember this

white supremacy is designed to strip us of depth and meaning

leave us empty save for that unspilled lavender blood

eager for narratives that simulate connection

since privilege only disconnects

whiteness always harvests trauma

serves it up with heightened security

rainbow cops

gay friendly prison TV shows

and how quickly all the queer and trans black and brown ghosts

are woven seamlessly into grant deadlines and no fly lists

right along side our most tender truest bleeding hearts

and I’m a lotta things,

the colonizers daughter,

a sick and useless casualty of capitalism,

a bottom feeder

and I know death and I know loss

but whiteness gets me through it safer than most

less a target and not a ghost

so my fellow white queers

lets not harvest lets not honeymoon

and call it equality

lets not settle down on top of black, brown n indigenous lives and consume

lets not whitewash this trauma and hand it to profit

lets not whitewash 500 years of resistance

lets not call the cops

let’s check our legacies

shift our resistance to deep foundational change

let’s call each other over

        call each other in

cuz while we are a lot of things all tender,

fucked up and beautiful

we are not Orlando

when heartbreak

puts your back out pulls 

an endless supply of ocean from your eyes

and hot water makes you howl and moan

makes you take inventory counting bills
in every hidden envelope

means you lie flat on hot then cold turned carefully 
so some of that shit’s gonna be ok sunshine

soaks the soles of your feet

when ghost cats purr in your lap

when time drowns in shock

and love is root stock, terpenes and salt

heartbreak rolls stone

exposes grief curling up shocked at the sudden light

decocts tannins and flowers with thorns

boundaryless body pain that stops you

means nothing at all

but steep and wait

stroke ghosts

don't drown

watercolor.
image: text reads "immigrants and refugees welcome here" on a light orange background with a large pink wild rose in the center and smaller dark green leaves of a rose bush with buds and rose hips framing the text.

grief is a beast

a hard lover

smoke

that leaves

debris lodged

unseen and dangerous

inside

a deep calm body

of grey water

grief

is bodies becoming

battleground

ghosts

becoming

only hearts

only blue suffocated blood

circulating through us just lookin for holes

grief is a hole

vacates

whenever

returns

whenever