how to stay here

and pliable not brittle full of little
cracks
the days im like a ghost wandering through crowds
brittle creeps up
bitter creeps up to break me.

i keep my hands in my pockets.
i keep smiling.

my teeth ache from holding on
brittle full of little cracks

deep inside my pockets i clutch my keys
spare change
and bits of paper say i'm here
i'm fucking here

stomachs bitter creeping says
for what?

for the chance
to feel something

for the something i haven't thought of yet

for a supple bellowing laugh
to drown the bitter in sweet

¡abejas!

they're here they're here!
here i'm seeing if the queen is alive before i put her in the hive.she comes in a little box w/ a candy door and has to basically eat her way out,this take a some time and meanwhile her presence orients all the workers to stick around and get to work.now i'm literally pouring thousands of them out of this box into the hive. i was mesmerized by it...
so now i just let them get started on doin' what they do and check back in a week...

thinking about love and survival

I'm both a critical, deconstructing skeptic and a soft mushy wide-eyed believer in the power of this state of being open hearted, connected and intimate.

i'm skeptical of how "love" gets sold to us. co-opted, sanctified, stolen, repackaged and sold back to us like everything else. how that affects our expectations, creates expectation in the first place.

and... i'm polyamorous...which sounds so clinical. but is somehow better than saying i'm non-monogamous since its always sketchy to define ourselves by what we aren't. being poly is a challenging thing for my kind...the kind that have ei and don't get much socializing and are often quite isolated. Its actually quite rare that i have more than one lover at once, and often i'm on the shitty end of the poly stick whereby its my lover that gets all the action and i'm home watercoloring or watching movies or chatting w/ my mom on the phone or whatever i need to do to get through my insecurities whilst my lover is on a date.But i persevere because i know myself that well....i know that when it comes to a time when i stumble across an attraction, i'll want to check it out.I will check it out.Its my nature, and its my key to sustainable relationships that its ok, that it can negotiated, supported and understood.

what further complicates poly stuff for me besides ei is class...often poly models are so so middle class, like autonomy is neatly defined by everyone having their own house and money and resources so that all that is left to navigate is the emotional web of relating. Now, i've managed not to live w/ a lover for years now, at my own stubborn peril. I've gone hungry, done things on my own that nobody should have to do alone. all because living w/ a lover has always proved way too loaded, way too dramatic and way too much like i'm being kept, always knowing that when this affair is over i'm back to scrambling for a home.

Now i find my self w/ a lover that has impeccable crip/class/resource awareness and politics. He is truly committed to being poly. we've been friends a while now w/ plenty of trials and triumphs but honestly, right now....i'm in luuuuv...like seriously head over mushy fuckin' heels. and in all this i find us exploring this idea of building me a casita behind his house. scary stuff...this is. but also fantastic....i'd have a home i could afford and sustain, which is huge.

but hello? i'm doing just what i always told myself i shouldn't do....make domestic shacking up decisions in the middle of a honeymoon phase.

fucking horomones..i swear.


more on this for sure...but i have to run to the bank so my rent check doesn't bounce!