donde oh donde

so yesterday i called and withdrew my offer on the little village house....it suddenly hit me that there was no way i'd be able to find peace with that much traffic spewing past my house all the time. While its good in one sense to have put that behind me, i'm pretty fucking stressed out that the closing date for my land here is on the 10th of august and i have absolutely no idea where me and my herd are going.....nada.

i am keenly aware that its poverty that is driving me to leave this most beautiful place.

i am not sleeping.

here in new mexico, trying to find a functioning house on even a bit of land for 60k or less means you are either next to a busy road...or the freeway...or the railroad tracks...or in a slum. my mother is facing the same issue in new york. she is seeking to sell her home of 20 years in order to avoid foreclosure and if she's lucky she'll walk away with 30k to find a new home with and only the capacity for payments of maybe 300 or so a month.....that doesn't leave a lot to choose from.

i hate that capitalism does this....that our lives are always for sale....home is so hard to attain....that nothing is ever really ours as far as a sense of belonging and peace.

i heard recently that foreclosures are up 87% from this time last year....fucking american dream colonizer profit margin bloated empirical bullshit state of things. and that damn iraq war costing us billions a month. grrrrrr.

life right now like jumping off a cliff with a stupid wad of cash in my sweaty little fist....thats how things feel. just hoping something lovely breaks my fall.